you know that place? you can see it as clear as if you were looking at it through a windexed window, and you know that's where you ought to be -but you are not. you can't seem to get there, even though you know (or think you know) every single solitary step you need to take to make it, but you just can't. there's that pesky window you keep smackin' into? i found myself there, not so long ago..
you see, at said time in my life, there seemed to be more struggles than comforts, more disappointing outcomes than successful accomplishments, and more heartache and feelings of inadequacy than that of elation and self worth. it's not that i had forgotten i was a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, but more that i'd misplaced my diligence in keeping up relations. by that i mean, falling asleep during prayer, skimming the written word on the pages of my scriptures, but absorbing none of it. going through the motions (or sometimes not going through the motions) and it was just that -motions.
well, after a while you could say i hit a wall. i just struggled to find happiness and restore balance to my life. i was drowning, i felt so icky and complacent. i would cry because things just weren't functioning for me, and i couldn't find "it". the drive, the will, the motivation, the courage. i just couldn't find it.
then, in what seemed to be one of the darkest moments i'd experienced in a long time. i remembered my access to the priesthood, i remembered my husband.
on the spot, i begged for a blessing. i suddenly craved it like chocolate, only way more...
anyway, my husband made sure to set aside a time just for me, when the kids had gone to bed and we had a moment to truly communicate. i told him my worries, my guilt, my frustration, my feelings of inadequacy -everything. when i was all done and able to control my sobs, he administered a blessing. a beautiful, tender blessing. there were many things spoken, but one i will share with you is this:
"Coty, you know what to do..."
with that, the warmest, most comfortable feeling swept over me. i thought i had known all along what steps i should be taking, and i did know; but now, i
really knew. makes perfect sense doesn't it?
oh motivation, oh elation, oh balance and self worth...you've never tasted so sweet. i am a loved daughter of my Father in Heaven, who is aware of me and has given me the proper tools to ensure my eternal happiness, and i know what to do.
i'm so thankful to be a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. to be a Mormon. and to have the testimony that i do. Our Father in Heaven lives, our Savior Jesus Christ lives and loves us. i'm so thankful for the power of the Priesthood; what a blessing it is in our lives as Latter-day Saint women. i'm so thankful for the missionaries, working so diligently to spread the word of the Lord to all the ends of the earth. i am blessed to live in this dispensation, where the fullness of the Gospel has been restored to the earth. i'm excited for this life and for all the responsibilities i hold. i am thankful that in my moment of despair, i am called to a remembrance of what i have been given. i have indeed felt the love of my Heavenly Father and have been picked up off the floor and placed on my own two feet again.
that place we need to get to. the one we can see as clear as day, is achieved in our everyday efforts to keep the commandments and remain steadfast in fulfilling our responsibilities. there will still be struggles at times for me (some that i will most surely post about, for venting purposes) a few today even. but i also realize i have been given the steps to true happiness (and the internet sure helps with pointers on how to cope with unruly children... just kidding...sorta). i really am so glad to be a part of the great wide everything. and as odd as it may sound, i'm appreciative of my ups and downs because they remind me of the blessings i have.
aahhhhh,
now that me and my long winded self are done, i think i'll go do something productive...
a pair of sexy, bum huggin' dark wash jeans
